Hello everyone! Well, I’ve steered clear of LotR for a while (otherwise I’d go rambling on and on about it forever) so I thought perhaps today that cycle could end, and we’ll do an LotR story. This is a humorous fan fiction. I managed to not turn the whole thing into hobbits (who, you may have noticed, I am slightly obsessed with) although they do have a cameo. No, this is a mockery of the character everyone loves but me: Legolas! In this story, Gimli and Boromir discover Legolas’s shampoo… and various bad things happen. Peace, fluff, and nonsense. Read and review!
Mirkwood Beauty Products
Boromir shifted restlessly in his blanket. He could not sleep. The ground was hard, and the hobbits were still awake, giggling and chattering beneath their blankets. For the fourth time, he heard Aragorn tell them to stop talking and go to bed. They quieted for a second, then Boromir heard Sam whisper something to Frodo, and Frodo giggled and gave a quiet response. Pippin and Merry joined the conversation, and soon all four were whispering again.
Boromir groaned, threw off his blanket, and marched over. “Do I need to separate you four?” he asked.
Merry gasped. Sam threw his arms around Frodo.
“Then quiet down.” Boromir went back to his blanket and listened to the hobbits whisper for a second about how mean he was, then kiss one another goodnight and drift one by one to sleep.
He sighed. “Peace at last,” he muttered, fluffing his pillow and falling asleep.
He was awakened several hours later by a foot prodding him. He blinked and opened his eyes to see Gimli waving him up.
“Is it my turn for watch?” asked Boromir.
“Yes, but come on! There’s something I must show you!”
Groggily, Boromir followed Gimli to his sleeping place. “What’s going on?” he asked.
“Shh!” Gimli glanced around. and then, content that no one had woke up, he said, “alright. You’re never going to believe me, but I was rifling in Legolas’ bag a minute ago -”
“Because the hair tie I was using for my beard broke, and I went to borrow one. Anyway… I pulled something aside and I found something very interesting… something we’ve always wanted to see… Take a guess.”
“No,” Boromir breathed.
“Yes.” Gimli pulled out a bottle. “Mirkwood Non-Frizz Tea Tree Shampoo.”
Boromir stared at the label, dumbfounded.
“And that’s not all.” Gimli pulled out more jars and bottle, reading each as he drew them forth. “Mirkwood Non-Frizz Tea Tree Conditioner. Mirkwood Lemon-Infused Facial Scrub. Mirkwood Ultra-Soft Peony Lotion. Oh, this is good,” he said, taking out a wooden box. “Mirkwood Manicure Kit. Includes nail file, cuticle repairer, buffing block, and clear nail polish.”
Boromir laughed. “Should we dump it in the river?”
Gimli wiggled his eyebrows. “No, I’ve a better idea.” He took out another jar. “Dwarvish Beard-Thickening Ointment. And this one here… fake orcs blood, to smear on your face. Makes an impression after battle. Legolas will never suspect it….”
They all awoke the next morning to the sounds of Legolas’ screams, high-pitched and guttural. Boromir sat up and looked over at the elf. Legolas was crying, his hair a frizzy mess of blond tangles, his face streaked with black marks. “What happened to my shampoo?” he sobbed. “And my lotion…?!” He burst into tears again.
“Oh, Legolas,” Aragorn said sympathetically. “It’s probably past the expiration date. Products aren’t safe if you use them too late.”
Merry covered Pippin’s eyes as the Took eagerly sat up. “No, Pippin, you can’t look. It will give you nightmares.”
Legolas burst into fresh tears.
Boromir snuck a glance at Gimli. The dwarf was smiling from ear to ear, although he hid it well in his bushy beard.
“Gandalf, can you magic my hair back to normal?” Legolas sobbed.
“I’m sorry… no spell can undo such a mess.”
“We must be off,” Aragorn said, belting on his sword. “The orcs shall soon be upon us.”
Bill the pony tried to chew Legolas’ hair. Sam coaxed him away while Legolas screamed.
And that was how Legolas went for five days with horrible hair.