Lord of the Rings Fanfiction

HILARIOUS: Land of Shadow chapter put through several layers of Google translate.

Original first chapter:

~~~

It hurts.

Every step. Every minute. Every mile. It hurts to walk, it hurts to breathe. It hurts to live. I want so, so badly to just lay down, give up, and die. But I can’t. If I do, the ring will be found, Middle-Earth will fall, everything will die. Everyone will die. But I can’t go another step, not yet. I collapse to the ground.

And then Sam’s there kneeling beside me. “You okay?” he asks.

I glance up and force a weak smile. Ugh, even that hurts. “I’m fine.”

“Liar.”

I hold out my arm. “Help me up, would you?”

He takes it and pulls me to my feet. I take a few steps and then fall. Sam pulls me up again. I fall again. Sam helps me up and throws my arm over his shoulder, putting his across my back, and leaning on him I stumble onwards, towards the mountain of fire. We travel on for about half an hour before finally I can’t go on any more. I slip my arm off Sam’s shoulder and curl up on the ground, burying my face in my arms and trying not to cry. It hurts so badly. The chain is cutting into my neck. My head is throbbing. My body is weary, and my mind in pain. Sam seems to sense this and does not say anything, instead takes his blanket out, covers me with it, and then sits next to me until I fall asleep.

But even sleep is not a comfort, for all my dreams are filled with darkness and evil and fire. I watch as orcs swarm the Shire and set everything aflame. Then the scene shifts to show Rivendell being overthrown, elves tossed left and right as though they were rag dolls. And then the orcs kill a smaller figure. Bilbo! No! And as I watch, all the lands of Middle-Earth – Gondor and Rohan and Lorien – are covered in darkness and destroyed. Orcs trample the fair green grass and white and gold flowers, and smash the inhabitants of the lands into oblivion. Dead. Destroyed. Gone. Two young boys rush out, no, they’re hobbits, flanked by an elf and a dwarf, and a man. All are bearing weapons. All begin to fight valiantly, hacking, slashing, shooting. All are slaughtered mercilessly. Only after do I recognize them as my companions, the other members of the Company who are – or were – still alive.

And then I watch as Sam scrambles over boulders and hard ground. An orc is honing in on him. It nocks an arrow. I scream. I try to rush forward and put myself between the arrow and my best friend. It feels like I’m running through water – easy at first, but slowly becoming harder. I scream until I’m drowning in the sound of my own agony. The orc releases the arrow, and it strikes Sam in the heart. He gasps and grabs it, shock written all over his face. He turns towards me and our eyes meet for one brief heart-stopping moment. His lips form my name. And then he’s gone.

With a cry, I sit bolt upright. Tears cloud my vision. It takes a few seconds for me to realize where I am – in Mordor.

“Frodo!” Sam’s suddenly by my side with his hand on my shoulder. I look up at him, and he is alive, and the horror was only a dream. But it seemed so real. I throw my arms around him and clutch him like the world will end tomorrow.

Well, for all I know, it will.

“What’s the matter?” Sam asks. “Bad dreams?”

I hide my face in his shoulder and whisper, “yes.”

Sam holds me for a little while and lets me cry, knowing not to say anything. He’s good like that. Finally he lets go and holds me out at arm’s length by my shoulders. “It’s not real. You know it’s not real.”

I nod, swiping away more tears.

“You’re safe,” he reminds me. “Nothing will hurt you.”

“I know, you’ve told me this a hundred times.”

Sam smiles. His eyes scan my face. “You look terrible.”

“So do you.”

And then we’re both laughing because, of course we look terrible. I have a hideous scratch down my cheekbone and black cuts all over my neck from where the ring has cut me. Sam has dirt streaked across his nose and face, so much that I can’t even see his freckles anymore. And of course we’re both sweating like crazy. Why oh why did the orcs feel the need to wear such hot clothes?

We stop laughing once a tremor from the mountain rumbles the ground. I duck and cover my ears as more spasms of pain come and wrack my body. Sam pulls me up into his arms and he’s still holding me when I lose consciousness and fall back to sleep.

He wakes me gently, but I still feel irritated, because all I really want to do is rest. *See? He’s useless. All he does is bother you.* No, I’d be dead without him. The Ring is messing with me. I can’t let it turn me against my best friend.

So I eat a little lembas and drink some water, and then we start off again across the land of shadow.

~~~

Google translate warped first chapter:

~~~

It hurts.

Each step. Every minute. Each shaft. One breath hurt, it hurts to walk. It hurts to live. I, therefore, only definition that is very bad, and stopped dead. But I can not. If I did, the collapse of the Rings Middle Earth, you will all die. All they will die. But I just can not take another step. I fell to the ground.

And Sam beside me on the knee. “How are you?” Question.

I looked up and forced a weak smile. Ugh, it still hurts. “I’m fine.”

“Liar.”

To stretch my arm. “True, you help me?”

Stand takes me. I took a few steps then fell. Sam pulls me back. Again it decreases. Sam bending over on his back and put his fire stumbling toward the mountains, it helps me and throws his arm over his shoulder. We went about a half hour before finally being able to go forward. I bury his face in his arms and trying to cry, put my shoulder and snuggle place Sam arm. It hurts so much. String neck cut. My head is throbbing. My mind, my body was tired and in pain. Sam sat up with me sleeping, or rather it seems to hear nothing more than a blanket covering me and say.

Even sleep is dark and full of evil and fire all my dreams not ease. Everywhere in the area and the fire seems to be swarming with Orcs. Then the scene changes to show the opposite Rivendell elves were thrown like rag dolls from another party. And then the Orcs kill less. Bilbo! No! As I see it, all the countries of Middle Earth – Gondor and Rohan and Lorien – is covered in darkness and destroyed. Orcs just green grass and white flowers and gold back and crush forgotten people. Dead. Destroyed. Thing. Two leaks, no, they are elves and dwarves and hobbits are surrounded by a man. Everyone gives their weapons. Each shooting, cutting, hacking, start fighting bravely. All were massacred without mercy. Or had – – Only I do still alive, my colleagues, other members of the community, I understand.

And then we see Sam climbs rocks and hard ground. A giant great. An arrow nock of. I’m crying. I run back and colleagues and try to put between my best friend. Easy at first glance, but gradually got stronger – it feels as though the water meeting. I cry as noise to drown my pain. Sam spears and arrows hit the giant heart. He grimaces and victory, shock written on his face. He turns to me and our eyes met for a short time attack. Lips form my name. And then he disappeared.

A scream, I feel good. Tears blurred my vision. In Mordor – It takes a few seconds to realize where I was.

“Frodo!” Sam next to me suddenly, his hand on my shoulder. Look at him and he was just a dream life and fear. But it seemed so real. I throw my arms around him and seized as the world will end tomorrow.

Okay, I know so.

“What happened?” Sam asks. “Bad dreams?”

I hide my face on his shoulder and whispered, “Yes.”

Sam keeps me without knowing me for a while and say something, let him cry. It is also good. Finally let myself go and tend his arms stretched shoulder. “That’s not true. You know, that’s not true.”

I have to avoid more tears, shook her head.

“You’re safe,” he recalls. “Nothing will hurt you.”

“I know you told me a hundred times.”

Sam smiled. Eyes aside. “You have a bad one.”

“Same way”.

And then we both, because, of course, laughed terribly welcome. I ring the cheeks and neck are black glasses which were cut me a terrible scratch. Ground with Sam nose and face, then I can not see even have scratches on her freckles. And of course, we’re sweating like crazy. Why, oh why Orcs warm clothes you feel the need for this type of use?

When the rumbling stopped laughing a concussion mountain terrain. Most pain and spasms duck and cover their ears as they come ruined body. Sam pulls me into his lap and I lost consciousness and when she still keeps me back to sleep.

I gently wake you up, but do you really want to do anything because I still feel uncomfortable. * See? This is useless. All it does is that it bothered you. * No, I would die without it. The ring is to play with me. I can not allow you to go against my best friend..

Lembas and drinking some water and then restart the land of the shadow.

~~~

I was laughing soooo hard as I proof-read this. I notice it had trouble figuring out whether Sam was male or female. This is probably due to Sam being a name that can go for either gender, and also that some languages have masculine and feminine nouns, so they may have interpreted it differently. I have no idea how it changed “I curl up on the ground” to, “put my shoulder and snuggle place Sam arm”. What is that even supposed to mean? Also, the word “arms” somehow became, “lap”, which makes no sense, as your arms and your lap are totally different parts of your anatomy. Somehow “you look terrible” becomes, “you have a bad one.” Again, what in the world? Still, this was absolutely hysterical. I just might google translate all of my fanfictions.

What do you want to see translated next?

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