This is humorous fanfic in which Fi gets a job at Starbucks. Read and review.
Fi was fluttering along alongside Link in the Bazaar one day as he purchased new equipment for his adventure. Suddenly she noticed a sign on the café: ” Newly Under Management of Starbucks. Employees wanted. Apply within.”
“Master Link?” Fi said. “Have you noticedy this advertisement?”
Link looked at it. “They’ve put a Starbucks in?”
“I calculate a 99% chance they are looking for employees,” Fi said.
“Well, good for them,” Link replied distractedly. He was thinking about the coffees that Starbucks sold and wondering if maybe he would be able to carry them in one of the empty bottle stashed in his adventure pouch.
“Master,” Fi said, “there is a 29% chance someone will kill the idea pretty soon.”
Link groaned. Fi was starting to get on his nerves. “Why don’t you get a job there, Fi?” he suggested.
“Yeah. Why don’t you go in and ask them for a job.”
“But Master, who would be your loyal companion and servant?”
“Oh, I can find someone else pretty easily. Look, there’s a line of people, so why not join them and see if you’ll be hired?”
“If it pleases you, Master…”
“It does. Go on!” He pushed her into line and sat down to wait. Twenty minutes later she came back looking frazzled, clutching a paper in her hand.
“I’m hired, Master,” she said. “I’ll be starting work tomorrow.”
“That’s great, Fi! I’ll be questing.”
“I’m really not sure this is a good idea, Master. Suppose you should be lonely? Or suppose you should come across a monster whose attack pattern is unfamiliar to you?”
“I’ll be fine, Fi. Besides, you’ll have fun, and I’ll still drop in on you every now and then.”
“Alright Master…. take care…”
So the next day Fi began her training. She was first trained in the opreation of the drink machine. “You put the grounds in here,” the manager, Piper, explained. Fi dumped the scoop of coffee grounds into the machine and pressed buttons as she was shown after filling it with water. Then she practiced again and again over the course of the next week until finally Piper allowed her to service customers.
“Hello,” Fi said to the first customer, a student named Fledge. “Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get for you?”
“Can I have an iced caramel macchiato?” Fledge said, eyeing the menu.
“Hmm,” Fi mused. “Well, that contains 230 calories and from closer examintion I see you have already consumed 74% of your daily calories although it is only ten in the morning. I reccomend a workout. There is a 98.43% chance that comsumptionof the macchiato you have just requested is unhealthy.”
Fledge stomped off in a huff and the next costumer came up. “Hello,” she said, brushing back her short locks of orange hair and assuming a thoughtful expression. “I’d like.. hm… could I have a Shaken Sweet Tea?”
“Of course. That’s a healthy choice and I see your calorie intake for the day has so far been relatively low.”
“I calculate a 84% chance you are not in any danger over excessive calorie and fat intake anytime soon.”
“I’m not in-” the girl sputtered.
“You’re name is Karane, isn’t it?” Fi said. “You are a student at the knight academy and quite popular with the male students? Anyway, here’s your iced tea.”
Karane snatched the iced tea away and left. A short, portly man with large blue eyes waddled up to the counter.
“Hello,” he said, “I’d like -”
”I’m sorry sir, but all of the products currently being served are far too unhealthy for you and you should not treat yourself with them until you have lost a considerable amount of weight. I calculate a 100% chance, however, that this will not be any time soon.”
The man shot her a foul glare and turning, waddled out of Starbucks and back to his fortune telling booth.
Piper came over. “Fi, what’s going on?” she asked. “Is everything alright?”
“Mistre- Fi, I’m not your Mistress!”
“Oh, really?” Fi said absently, taking the next customer’s order. “That’ll be $3.54. Enjoy your day. Are you planning to eat that outside? Because many students are practing for the upcoming wing ceremony – my master won the last one, you know – and so I calculate a 62% chance a loftwing will poop on your head, which would really not help you to enjoy your day.”
“Fi!” Piper gasped as the customer stalked off, muttering under his breath.
“You can’t treat customers that way!”
Meanwhile, Link was aiming for a bokoblin with his new bow and arrow. A small pink fairy was hovering by his ear.
“Ready… aim…” Link thought to himself.
“HEY, LISTEN!” the fairy said. Startled, Link released the arrow and missed
Link glared at the fairy. “Navi, you made me lose focus!”
“LINK!” Navi went on, ignoring him. “WE SHOULD ASK SARIA ABOUT THE THIRD SPIRITUAL STONE!”
“Who in Hyrule is Saria?” Link asked, annoyed.
“OH THAT’S RIGHT. I KEEP FORGETTING YOU AREN’T THE LINK I TRAVEL WITH. BUT I’M IN THE WRONG GAME SO BEAR WITH ME.”
“Navi, be quiet.” Link shot the bokoblin and ran on.
“HEY, LISTEN!” Navi said two minutes later.
“Navi, stop it!”
“Navi, I’m serious.”
“Fi never did this,” Link thought and suddenly, he missed his companion.
After the fiasco with operating the drink machine and taking orders, Fi was put to work at the fly-through.
“Just stand here with a headset on and take their order,” Piper told Fi, figruing that if she couldn’t see the customers she wouldn’t be able to insult them.
Fi put on the headset and took her place by the window. “Hello,” said a staticy voice in her ear.
“Hello,” Fi said.
“I would like a chocolate crossiant, please.”
“One moment. Activating voice recogniton.” Fi closed her eyes. “Say something.”
“Thank you. I have recognized your voice as that of Gaepora, headmaster of Knight Academy. My master is out searching for your daughter, Zelda. But did you know she’s not really the simple little girl you thought her?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“No, she’s been called to a great destiny.”
“Yes, and she’s in the care of a being named Impa, of the Sheikah tribe. Don’t worry though. Impa will keep her quite safe. My master, Link, is out looking for her and I’m sure he will find her soon. In the meantime, why not order something more nutritous? Our products are all high-calorie, so I reccomend going to the Lumpy Pumpkin, where they make a tasty pumpkin soup that is low in calories.”
Gaepora flew off, confused. Piper noticed.
“Where’s the headmaster going, Fi?” she asked suspiciously and rather unkindly.
“I informed him to go to a more healthy place,” Fi said promptly, “such as the Lumpy Pumpkin.”
Piper threw her hands into the air, exasperated. “Fi, why are you working here if you’re just going to be rude to the customers and tey to get them to eat at our comptetion resteraunts?”
“Because my master told me to.”
“I see. And who’s your master?”
“His name is Link, and he is the kindest, bravest hero ever to grace a loftwing’s back with his presence.”
“Hmm,” Piper said. “Well, you want to make him happy, don’t you?”
“Yes Mistress Piper.”
“Well, I think he’ll be happy if you do your job well. From now on you’re on janitor duty. And do it well, or Link will be very displeased.” She took Fi’s headset away and handed her a broom. “You can start by sweeping up.”
Link took out his sailcloth at the nearest bird statue and let it launch him skyward. He whistled and the crimson loftwing he had been riding since his childhood caught him.
“We’re going to Starbucks,” he informed it.
The loftwing gave him a confused look.
“Because, I miss Fi,” Link explained.
The loftwing rolled it’s eyes and cawed.
“Don’t you talk to me that way,” Link said. “I’ve sentenced her to boredom. She’s way too smart to be working a minimum wage job, and besides, I was seriously about to murder Navi if I had to spend one more day with her… anyway, let’s go. We’ll go by the fly-through to surprise her.”
Fi swept the floor, feeling awful. She’d let Link down and she couldn’t bear that. And she was lonely.
“He’s probably found a new companion,” she sighed. “Maybe he’s even forgotten me. Oh, what would the goddess say if she found out I was here instead of at his side like she told me?” She pushed the dirt and coffee grounds into a little pile and gently prodded it into a dust pan, which she emptied into the trash can. Piper smiled approvingly as she walked by. Fi returned the smile half-heartedly and then dipped it back down, feeling more lonely and worthless than she ever had before.
“Welcome to Starbucks,” said a perky voice in Link’s ear.
“Fi?” he asked, confused. Fi was many things, but perky was not one of them.
The voice giggled. “Nope!” it said. “This is Orielle! I work here now, isn’t it great! I think there’s a janitor named Fi though. Anything I can get for you?”
“She’s a JANITOR?!” Link cried. He flew off without ordering anything, hopped off his loftwing and rushed into the Bazaar. He passed the shops, ignoring the vendors calling out, and burst into Starbucks.
“Fi!” he shouted. “Fi!”
Fi was sweeping behind the counter. “Is someone calling for me?” she asled miserably.
“Fi, it’s me!” Link exclaimed. “It’s Link!”
Fi looked up and the broom fell from her hands. “Master!”
“Fi, I’m so sorry,” Link said. “I sent you away when really I needed you, and I made you do this even though you didn’t want to. Please forgive me and come back to help me.”
Fi looked at him.
“I know you were told to stay by me, but I didn’t listen and I didn’t care. But I care now, Fi, and I’m really really sorry. Please won’t you forgive me? I was terrible and awful and -”
“Master!” Fi cried, rushing across the room and embracing him. “It’s okay. I forgive you.”
Link smiled and hugged her back. Everyone watching began to applaud.
Fi released Link and handed Piper her apron. “I’m not going to be needing that anymore,” she said. Then she and Link left Starbucks, climbed onto the loftwing, and flew away. Everyone cheered. Piper looked sourly at the apron in her hand, flung it down, and stalked off.
“So, where to, Master?” Fi asked.
Link smiled. “I was hoping you could tell me.”
Fi smiled back. “I calculate a 93% chance there is something of interest in Lanayru Desert.”
“To Lanayru Desert, then,” Link said, turning the loftwing and happy to have his friend back.